Same Breasts, Three Stories: My Journey From Feeling Like a Failure to Finding My Flow

During My First Pregnancy

My first mistake was only preparing for labour and birth. I smashed this part. I knew exactly what stage my baby's development was at, knew what was happening to my body, trusted the process completely, and read several books regarding the birthing process. What I didn't do was read up a whole lot on breastfeeding!

I knew I wanted to breastfeed, knew it was what nature intended, knew it was recommended, new it gave my baby everything it needed, and thought it would be a whole lot easier that having to prepare, clean and sterilise bottles. Plus it was free. Win, win in my opinion.

I got the support in the form of nursing bra's and breast pads, new the basics, but that was it. I trusted the process of labour and birth, so I trusted the process of breastfeeding too. Afterall, that's what our breasts are for, right? Why would it not just work and happen as it is meant to!

My Very First Experience

My first daughter, Daisy, arrived on her due date (read her birth story here).

She was born in the early hours of her due date and weighed 8lb 9oz. We had skin to skin contact straight away and she latched on beautifully. I remember thinking 'yes, we've got this'. Daisy was a thumb sucker, even in utero, so self-soothed and went to sleep anywhere and everywhere. She was in fact, a dream baby. What some would label a 'good baby'. I remember feeling a little embarrassed telling other new parents that she was sleeping so well. Seriously, it wasn't long before she was going from 10pm to 7am, with a dream feed in between. She would also nap from 9:30am to 11am, then again from 2pm to 4pm. This was pretty much clockwork, daily. I felt very lucky.

Breastfeeding with Daisy initially was beautiful. I had a feeding chair in her newly decorated nursery. We would sit up there together and we seemed to get the hang of it. It did cause me to wince a little in the early days as my nipples got used to it, or for those first few sucks at the beginning of feeds, but on the whole we were doing great. Daisy lost a little weight at the very beginning but soon gained that and more, as I discovered at our weekly weigh-ins at the clinic with the health visitor. This reassured me that she was getting plenty and all was going well.

All Was Great, Until It Wasn't!

Daisy struggled to settle in her Moses basket so it was quite early on that we put her in her cot in her own room. We lived in a 2 up, 2 down, so the distance between bedrooms was small. We kept the doors open and had a baby monitor. Another reason for transferring her was the advice were were given from people, whether we asked for it or not! The advice was to get Daisy in her own room sooner rather than later, so we 'didn't make a rod for our own back'. A phrase I despise now!

This caused no issues whatsoever. Daisy continued to follow her sleep patterns, gain weight, and was a happy baby. Then, out of the blue everything changed. She stopped sleeping, cried lots through the night and wanted feeding constantly. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Where had this come from? What was I doing wrong? Had she gone off my milk?

The following morning was 'clinic' day. I mentioned to the health visitor what had happened, that nothing would settle her, that she wanted feeding constantly. The answer I was given was 'just keep going'. Nothing else really, no explanation as to why this was happening, how long it would continue, or if it was normal. I left feeling tired and deflated, but I carried on. Daisy then stopped settling during the day. Nothing I seemed to do was right. Nothing seemed to work.

Not long after the same thing happened again, and again I spoke with the health visitor who gave me the same answer. Lots of people had suggested different things to me including 'just give her formula, you can't be satisfying her'. The thought of that really upset me. Was I to blame for her being like she was!

I Cried As I Watched Her Sleep

I felt like I was getting no support at all and I was so tired. I knew I was lucky that I'd escaped the extreme tiredness up to this point but I could see why sleep deprivation was a form of torture!

I had just fed Daisy at some ungodly hour of the night for what seemed like the tenth time. I crept back into bed, put my heavy head back onto my pillow and bam! She started crying again. I stormed into her room, picked her up more abruptly than I ever wanted, pulled her up to my face and shouted 'will you just go to sleep'. I couldn't believe what I had just done. My husband, Rob, came in to us and found me sobbing, cuddling her saying 'I am so sorry'. I hadn't hurt her but I must have shocked her. I felt disgusted in myself, like the worst mum on the planet. It wasn't her fault. Rob changed her nappy for me while I calmed myself down. I fed her again, soothed her to sleep in my arms and kept her with me, just looking at her perfect face. How could I have got annoyed at her innocence. I loved her more than anything.

I put her back in her cot and she continued to sleep with me right by her side, sat in the chair. I watched her for hours after that, sobbing and beating myself up. It was at that point I decided that maybe everyone was right, maybe she wasn't sleeping because she needed more. The following day I stopped breastfeeding!

Our Last Feed Broke My Heart

I told Rob my decision and we went to our local baby shop to get bottles, formula and a steriliser. I had fed Daisy beforehand so she was settled for the trip out. We selected the equipment we thought would suit us best and went back home. I decided I wanted one final feed before I gave up.

This feed was so emotional. She latched on perfectly. My toes curled at the sensation as my milk let down. I could see the watery, blue tinged milk around the corners of her mouth. Her sucks were long and hard. She was pausing for breath but never broke her latch. Then the fluttery sucks came and her face told me she was satisfied. At the beginning of the feed she was wide eyed, looking directly up into my eyes. It was such a beautiful moment, like all the other times when we weren't out and about, not rushing the feed. These bedroom, private feeds were the best. Where I would talk to her, sing to her, nurture her. But this moment was different. I knew that this was our final feed. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't cope with how much time it took up, especially through the night when all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't know any other way.

She eventually fell asleep, continued feeding for a while, then slipped off in a state of pure bliss. I remained holding her for a while. Quiet tears rolling down my cheeks. I took her down to Rob who now knew exactly how to make up her formula and I took myself off to bed. I stayed there for hours sobbing my heart out. Every single emotion flooded over me that day; guilt, envy, anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, frustration, you name it, it appeared and beat the crap out of me. My poor baby girl! What had I done?

Then The Pain Came

I stayed in bed for what felt like forever. My breasts became engorged to the point I thought they were going to burst. Even the lightest sheet resting on top of them caused excruciating pain. They were huge and solid. I took some paracetamol and stayed away from Daisy for as long as I could. She took to the bottle well and eventually my breasts eased. The physical pain dispersed as they decreased in size and breastmilk, but the mental pain never left, it just faded a little with time.

The next time we visited the health visitor I explained what I had done. She again told me I should have kept going, it would have got easier. Why didn't she explain this before. Tell me that it would pass. I had lost trust in her and in any case, it was too late now!

My Second Pregnancy and Experience

During my second pregnancy, yet again I planned well for the labour and birth. This time we were going for a homebirth. My midwife told me about a local homebirth meeting ran by an independent midwife and doula. This was the first time I had ever heard the term 'doula'. As she explained her job role I got goose bumps. I felt with every bone in my body that this was what I wanted to do. It sounded truly wonderful.

Isabelle was born beautifully at home and all was perfect. Prior to her birth I had already made my mind up regarding breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to give her breastmilk, but I wanted to avoid going through the same difficulties that I did first time round. Therefore my plan was to feed for two months, then stop before I got to that stage. At antenatal appointments, when asked how I planned to feed, I told them breastfeeding. No further advice or support information was offered even though they knew of the previous situation.

Our first feed was wonderful. She latched on great in the comfort of my own bed. Our breastfeeding journey went so smoothly, yet I was fixed on my plans. This time round I had read up on how to wean off rather than just stop.

At the two month point we gathered everything together for formula feeding, this time not in a panicked state. I reduced my milk supply by cutting down feeds and introduced formula as a replacement. I did this over a week, dropping more feeds each day. I did still suffer a bit of engorgement, but nowhere near as bad. Pre-planning it made me feel better about the whole situation. I think this helped me avoid all the negative emotions that I felt with Daisy. Isabelle, like Daisy, took to the bottle well, and the transition went smoothly. Job done!

I didn't even discuss my plans with the health visitor this time round. I had lost trust in them. No one seemed to sing from the same hymn sheet, and caused unnecessary stress and confusion. In fact we didn't go as often to get her weighed. I knew she was fine by just looking at her. I trusted that I knew my baby well enough to know if something wasn't quite right. I call it having an invisible umbilical cord for life.

This sounds obvious, but Isabelle was a completely different baby to Daisy, or rather had a different type of personality. She didn't suck her thumb and it was harder to settle her. Formula seemed to upset her for quite a while. So although she moved from breast to bottle easily enough it wasn't a magic wand to getting through the night. She still woke often and seemed to be in pain after feeds. This did ease over time but in hindsight I regretted my decision for stopping breastfeeding. If only I had had the right support first time round!

How My Doula Journey Changed My Whole Outlook On Parenting

Almost a year after Isabelle's birth, when I was preparing to return to work after my maternity leave had come to an end, the company I worked for went into liquidation. I decided this was time to embark on my doula journey. I did a training course with Nurturing Birth and registered with Doula UK. I became a recognised birth and postnatal doula and loved my new role, supporting women and their families prepare for labour, birth, those early months with their new baby. Helping to support them navigate pregnancy and the maternity system with information and reassurance, giving them a sense of calm and confidence. It wasn't long before I became booked back to back. No experience was the same. Each taught me something new. It was a true honour and a privilege every single time.

One day I was contacted by a fellow doula friend regarding an exciting opportunity. A friend of hers was starting up a new business and was after 'guineapigs' to do the first training course with her. She thought I would be the perfect fit. I contacted her friend, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, an amazing expert in many fields and founder of 'BabyCalm'. Before I knew it I was staying in her family home as I was the only one who wasn't local, learning so many new gentle ways regarding parenting, childhood development and how we, as parents could support it. I became a BabyCalm consultant and loved every minute of it.

Throughout the training I discovered so much about breastfeeding. The science behind it, myths, baby cues, what to expect, what is normal, the stages of breastmilk, length of feeds, and cluster feeds, to name but a few.

This Is When I Realised Both Myself And My Babies Had Been Let Down Due To Lack Of Support

Although I was excited about sharing what I had learnt with my doula clients and parents booking on workshops, I also felt let down and sad regarding my breastfeeding journeys with my own babies. If only the health visitor had explained any of this too me, if she had said 'It's okay, I know it feels hard right now but this will pass. These are cluster feeds. It is your baby's way of increasing milk supply to meet their needs. This is perfectly normal' I would have continued. As it was, I saw no end in sight. I didn't have anyone around me that had breastfed before. I was not signposted to any kind of support. I just felt alone on a tough journey. I didn't know where to turn. I gave up. It made me wonder how many other mum's were out their in the same situation as I had been. Struggling with breastfeeding and not getting good enough support!

Support, Knowledge And Understanding: The Key To A Wonderful Breastfeeding Experience

Fast forward a few years and we became pregnant again. Another home, waterbirth was planned. I was super excited as I had all this new knowledge up my sleeve. This time I felt so much more confident when it came to breastfeeding.

I laboured beautifully at home but ended up going into hospital to give birth. Our daughter, Harriet, also latched on well and breastfeeding began. My milk came in a lot quicker this time round (the placenta smoothie may have helped!). On night three, when she was wearing a 'hungry caterpillar' baby grow, she did her first cluster feed. She was literally attached to me all night long. Yes, I was exhausted but I knew what it was now, and relaxed into it. I stayed in bed longer with her, allowing us to get to know each other. It was wonderful.

We also decided this time round to co-sleep. We attached a cot bed to the side of our bed without one of it's sides on. We all had plenty of space, followed safe sleeping guidelines and continued that way for the first few years. It made life so much easier for us. It enabled me to just roll over to her for feeds, she settled so much quicker, I never felt quite so tired, and we all loved it. The other two girls would often get in with us at weekends, when we would chat, giggle and enjoy those precious moments.

Don't get me wrong, there were still times when things felt like a struggle. I still got sore occasionally, still got tired, still found there wasn't always enough hours in the day. But on the whole the experience was amazing. I attended a local breastfeeding cafe, where I found likeminded people who got it.

When I got to the stage where I stopped feeding Daisy and Isabelle I was fully prepared. I also had a copy of 'The Wonder Weeks', as recommended during the BabyCalm course. I absolutely loved this book (still do). It explains childhood developmental leaps and provides a 'leap chart'. This covers when and what to expect prior to, and during a leap; signs to look out for, what new skills they are learning, and best of all parents experiences during these leaps. It really helps normalise everything, reminding you that you are not alone. I found it really helpful. Thanks to excellent support, more knowledge and understanding we fed past that three month stage. From then on in I found more inner confidence and knew I could continue for as long as we both wanted to.

Harriet was again, very different to Daisy and Isabelle. Still is to this day. They are all wonderful, just in unique ways. Harriet wanted me always. No one else would do. There's that invisible umbilical cord again! Even daddy struggled to settle her. People would say that famous line of 'you are making a rod for you own back' yet again. Only this time I knew different. I knew that I was giving Harriet exactly what she needed, when she needed it to support her developing needs. We overcame daddy not being able to calm her by him putting her in a baby sling and taking the dog for a walk. Something we all loved. Harriet would sleep right next to his chest, daddy enjoyed the stress free cuddles and walk, I would enjoy some time with my other girls or a bath in peace. It was a win, win.

A joyful moment with my three girls, enjoying some fun in the sun and capturing memories together.

Harriet self weaned at 5 years old. It was a beautiful time, full of happy memories, and I put that down to preparation, education and the right support.

I learnt something different about myself as a mother with each breastfeeding journey. I love all three of my girls dearly, at the time of writing this their ages are 23, 17, and 11. They continue to teach me so much and I feel so lucky to be able to call them mine.

Are You About To Enter Motherhood Or Struggling And Would Like More Support?

I would have given anything during my first and second experience to get the right support. Someone who gets it, who understands, who will listen to what you are feeling right now, point you in the right direction.

Someone who could have prepared me in advance, so I knew what to expect.

Someone who told me 'it's okay, this is normal'.

If you would like to have a chat and find out how I can help you with your breastfeeding journey then book a free of charge 'Discovery Call' with me at a time to suit you.

Discovery Call

Get Your Free Copies Of My 'Breastfeeding Essentials Checklist' & 'Top 10 Breastfeeding Tips' By Clicking The Link Below

Breastfeeding Must Have's